Dear eight years old me,
You didn't know what was going on at the time, and you never knew that the absence of a person could mean so much to your development in the later years. Little do you know that you did everything you could in order to make sense of things. While you were sleeping, your body felt every single mental and physical abuse that you've ever felt. Whether it was the absence of the someone or falling down the tree you climbed, the bruises were there; whether you saw it or not. You did a smart thing when you let your father clean your wound, which was the consequence of climbing the tree in the backyard. It kept bleeding, so your father tried to cloth the blood that ran down your leg like the maple syrup you spilled on your dress same morning. Even though it hurt a lot, you were brave, and you even got a Sponge Bob plaster on your knee. A week has past and your wound is gone. Again, you slept silently, your breathing was normal and your dreams were the good kind of dreams. As you grew up with a hole in you heart, you never really knew what it meant to be "whole". You grew up with boys, and had a few girl friends, and there was nothing wrong with that. The girls seemed meaner because they didn't get as much attention around the boys like you did. Your father starts asking you to not close the door when you are with boys. You started doubting yourself and all of a sudden you felt one of your scars. Not the one you could see with your eyes, but one that has been haunting you for a little while. The girls started calling you names, but your friends still stuck up for you. When the tears rolled down your cheeks and you couldn't say a word, they would. You got over that swiftly. Then you traveled and lived in a different place which you adapted to rapidly. No doubt. This time you clicked with boys and girls. Mostly boys, but still. You felt better about yourself. Then you come home for dinner, and they ask you why you were alone, and if you had an interest in girls rather than the boys you were constantly with. At the same time, your father forgot his worries about boys and closed doors, so you doubted yourself again. You tried to figure everything out so fast that you lost track of your feelings. You had superficial crushes, but nothing serious. You were okay with that. You didn't see any long term plans other than the future of your education. Then you had a depression, which some of us get, and you tackled it better than expected. During this period of time, you've learned why you were scared of sleeping in the dark, why you couldn't breathe time to time, and why some things that didn't used to ache ached now; you healed a little. After half a year, you manage to look up boarding schools in the country. Not only did you make a new social network, but you managed to feel something. For someone. It was impossible. It was odd, and you didn't want to. It was like a gravity force pulling you closer and closer to this mass that you didn't wan to be too close with. A year has passed, and you gave in as well as he. And today you are wondering if it's ever going to work. If you could do something so determined and long termed, and there it was again. The doubt. You kept asking the same question over and over again, and I hope you get that you're not supposed to. You wondered if he has met anxiety himself. If he had met insecurities and abandonment, and if he could live with the fact that you have. You are terrified and you are doubting yourself, yet he is still here. It's been only 5 months, but he is still right next to you. Right now. Over ten years has passed since the day you fell down the tree in your backyard, and you're fine now. You breathe fine when you sleep, you are silent, you express your feelings regularly, and most of all, you still know how to give when all you have experienced was people around you taking, but never giving. Next time when you wake up in the middle of the night with a panic attack, just remember that he's there and it's not harsh nor is it a burden. It is the way things are. And he has accepted it and he chose to love you despite the scars that haunt you from time to time. Stop making excuses to push people away, and just let them stay. Easier said than done, but when you feel like pushing him away, count to 10 and inhale and exhale.